“Dear Dr Charlotte,
I got divorced earlier this year after being with my husband for nearly twenty years. We married when I was in my mid-twenties and I’m now in my forties. There was no huge betrayal or dramatic ending. Over the years we gradually grew apart, until eventually we had to accept that we wanted different things from our lives.
It’s been incredibly painful, but I’m starting to feel as though I want to do something that is just for me.
I keep thinking about booking a holiday on my own. I like the idea of going somewhere where nobody knows me as someone’s wife or knows what has happened. I’ve travelled plenty before, but never properly by myself, and the thought of it is both exciting and terrifying.
I think part of what feels strange is that I’ve spent almost all of my adult life as part of a couple. The last time I was single I was in my twenties, and I’m not that person anymore. I’ve spent so long making decisions as part of a couple that I’m not even sure what kind of holiday I would choose now.
Part of me thinks travelling alone could be exactly what I need. But another part of me worries I’m romanticising it. What if I get there and just feel horribly lonely? What if seeing couples everywhere makes me feel worse? And how do I know whether I’m genuinely ready for something like this, rather than just trying to run away from everything at home?
I don’t expect a holiday to magically fix my divorce. I think I’m just trying to work out who I am now that I’m no longer part of a “we”, and whether travelling alone might help me find my feet again.
Is solo travel after divorce a good idea, and how do you know when you’re ready?”
Dr Charlotte’s response: What is really clear from your letter is how much your divorce has impacted your identity and sense of self. This is not unusual; when we’ve been in a couple for a long time, our relationship status begins to define a large part of us. After a divorce, many people describe feeling defined by it. That’s not to say that you are defined by it, but it is a common feeling, and it takes some time to shift. Part of making this shift is building an updated sense of self around the new, single you.
A solo trip can be an important part of rebuilding your identity. On this website we often talk about how solo travel can help us to build our sense of self, discover who we are, build self trust and confidence. All of these things are still true when it comes to travelling after a divorce, but we have to also recognise the psychological impact of the divorce and all of the losses around this. Most people will experience hurt, sadness, confusion, and anxiety in months that follow, along with a deep sense of feeling unsettled, which you seem to be describing.
So let’s focus on your questions about whether you should take a trip and whether you are ready. I was struck when you said “Part of me thinks travelling alone could be exactly what I need”. I think you are tapping into your own ‘inner-knowing’ here. You know that getting away, trusting yourself to make all the decisions, and having time for you could be part of your healing process. Trusting this inner voice is an opportunity to build self-trust. I’d encourage you to listen to that.
That’s not to say everything will always go smoothly and that you will feel great for every single moment. That’s not realistic. However, we can plan to some extent for the things that might be difficult. And when things are difficult, this can be an opportunity to learn that you can cope. So I’d encourage you to start planning your trip, both in terms of the logistics but also how you will look after yourself when you’re there. For potential loneliness, you could come up with a plan about how you will cope; phoning a trusted friend, and having some of your favourite programmes downloaded are always strong options. For seeing couples, you could come up with 3 things that you’re going to say to yourself if this gets overwhelming. Your choice of destination and hotel is going to be important here; of course it’d be advisable to stay away from boutique hotels on honeymoon islands where couples stay in abundance. This trip is about your freedom, so it’s going to be a different kind of trip anyway.
So where are you going to go? This is another question that we need your inner voice to help with, because only you can answer this. I’d advise you to start broad and look into different places that might be options. Some of these will probably generate no interest, which is fine. But, there will be at least a couple of places where you think “maybe I could see myself visiting there” or “I’ve always wanted to try..“. Trust that inkling. As you look through the options, try and picture yourself there and how you would feel. When it comes to accommodation choices, be mindful to think about where you will feel most comfortable and not overly focus on price.
Now to the question of whether you’re ready. There isn’t much information in your letter about how you’re functioning in work and everyday life. I suspect you are doing ok with these things, otherwise you probably would have mentioned this. If you’re functioning well and coping most of the time, I would think that you are ready to travel, so long as you have a plan to cope with any difficult moments that might arise. If you are still feeling a level of anxiety that you think might get in the way of a trip, you might want to consider having a small number of sessions with a registered therapist to help you to feel fully prepared. This is particularly important if you are going on a longer trip or somewhere that might be at the edge of your comfort zone.
