“Dear Dr Charlotte,
I’m writing because I’m struggling with something that feels small on the surface but is starting to affect how I feel about travelling with my partner. We both enjoy going away and we work full time, so can afford to travel a couple of times a year. But over time I’ve realised that we have very different ideas of what a holiday should look like, and his rigid attitude toward spending is beginning to make me feel quite trapped.
When we book a trip, he always pushes for all‑inclusive. And at the booking stage, it’s usually not much more expensive than other options, so I tend to agree. The problem is what happens once we’re actually there. His mindset becomes, “Why would we go out and pay for food when we’ve already paid for everything here?” It’s not about financial strain, it’s about principle. He hates the idea of “wasting money” or paying twice for something, even if we can comfortably afford it.
I understand the logic, but I want to experience the place we’re visiting. I want to try local restaurants, wander through neighbourhoods, explore cafés, and feel like I’ve actually been somewhere. Instead, I end up eating every meal at the buffet and spending most of the trip inside the resort because he gets frustrated if I suggest going out. It’s not that he’s controlling; it’s more that he’s so fixed on “getting value” that there’s no room for anything else.
I’m starting to come home from holidays feeling like I haven’t really travelled at all. And I can feel a bit of resentment creeping in, which scares me. He’s a good partner, and I don’t want this to become a bigger issue than it needs to be. But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life going on trips where I feel like I’m watching the world from behind a hotel gate.
I don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him think I’m criticising him. I just want a bit more freedom — the chance to choose a meal out, to explore a town, to actually experience the culture of the place we’ve flown to. How do I ask for that without it turning into an argument about money or “value for money”?”
Dr Charlotte’s response: Partners having different attitudes to spending is a common source of tension in relationships, and this can be challenging to navigate. It’s also common to avoid conversations about how you are feeling because you don’t want to ‘rock the boat’ or cause an argument, especially when you are away. However, it sounds like not communicating how you feel is having an impact on you, and the resentment creeping in is certainly an indicator that conversations need to happen.
It sounds like the two of you have very different ideas about what ‘value’ means when it comes to holidays. For him, value means going to another place for a cost that is predictable and offers what he wants and needs for a set fee. For you, value is about the opportunity to explore the place, learn about the culture, have some freedom to be spontaneous and spend your time flexibly. If we put it this way, we can see how misaligned these ideas around value are, and the two of you will need to work on communicating and compromising to find a better balance on future trips.
From your letter, it seems that the booking stage is a crucial point. I can hear that it feels hard to argue with the logic that ‘the all inclusive is not much more so let’s just go for that’. However this appears to be the trap here. You’ve experienced this pattern enough times to have learned that booking all inclusive means one thing; spending a lot of time at the resort. It’s possible that at the booking stage your partner does expect that you will have some meals outside of the resort when you get there. However when the time comes he experiences a level of psychological discomfort with the thought of ‘paying twice’. This kind of rigidity is really common. The most effective way to avoid this scenario is to have these conversations at the booking stage. All inclusive, may appear to offer good value at the outset, puts you both in the dilemma that we want you to avoid.
At the booking stage, it’s time to suggest that you want to try something different for the next trip. I would suggest framing it as “we’ll do something different this time and see how we both feel about it”. This is preferable to suggesting that you will never do the all inclusive again, which is much more likely to be faced with resistance. Frame it as a chance to ‘collect data about how it feels to do something different and also to reassure him that you can travel outside a resort without costs spiralling.
To ease any potential anxieties about the uncertain cost travelling in this way, have conversations about the daily and overall budget that you will allocate for your trip. Again framing is important here; the total budget can still be set and managed, it’s just that you will be taking charge of that together rather than paying everything to a resort. You can look at different options around what makes the trip feel affordable, which might include booking a bed and breakfast or renting an apartment with a kitchenette where you can prepare your own breakfast. Shopping in supermarkets abroad and getting lunch from the local bakery are always affordable ways to eat and
also to get to know a country better. You’ll probably both find that you don’t need a buffet for every meal! I hope that these kinds of conversations will help him to feel more willing to try a new way of travelling.
Ultimately, what matters is that both of you feel able to enjoy your time away. By talking openly and planning together, you can create holidays that feel nourishing for you rather than restrictive. With a little communication and willingness to experiment, you can find a way of travelling that honours both of your needs.
