Dear Dr Charlotte,
I’ve noticed a pattern that’s starting to bother me. Every time I even think about booking a trip, I get this tight feeling in my chest, like I’m doing something I shouldn’t. I’ll spend hours looking at flights, imagining myself wandering around a new city, feeling that little spark of excitement — and then, the moment I hover over the “book now” button, the guilt hits me like a wave.
It’s not that I can’t afford it. I have a stable job, I save regularly, and I’m not going into debt for these trips. But something in me still whispers that it’s irresponsible, or selfish, or that I’m being frivolous. I hear my parents’ voices in my head saying things like “holidays are a luxury” or “money doesn’t grow on trees,” even though they’ve never said anything to me as an adult about how I spend my money.
Growing up, we didn’t travel much, maybe one caravan holiday a year, and anything beyond the basics was treated as unnecessary. I think I absorbed that more deeply than I realised. Now, even though I’m in my thirties and fully independent, I still feel like I’m breaking some unspoken rule when I spend money on something that’s just for pleasure.
The strange thing is, once I’m actually on the trip, I usually relax and enjoy it. It’s the lead‑up and the decision to spend the money that’s difficult. Afterwards, I sometimes look back at the photos and think, “Why did I make such a fuss?” But the guilt always returns the next time I try to plan something.
I guess what I’m asking is: is this normal? And why does something that brings me so much joy feel so emotionally complicated?
Dr Charlotte’s response: It sounds like wrestling with two realities here: On one hand, you grew up believing that money was tight and should only be spent on the essentials, and although I cannot be sure of this from your letter, I suspect that this was true. However now, you have a different reality; you are in a stable job and earn enough to save, and this tells me that you can afford to live a life beyond the ‘essentials’. It’s also really clear from your letter how much you enjoy and value travel. On the surface there is no problem, you enjoy it and can afford it. So our question becomes, what is there psychologically that is holding you back?
Growing up in a financially frugal household shapes our beliefs about spending, and we develop ‘rules for living’. Your example of ‘holidays are a luxury’ is a good one, and translated into a rule might be something like “you shouldn’t spend money on holidays” or “anything more than once a year is indulgent”. When these internal rules remain unexamined, they can lead to feelings like guilt and anxiety around spending, even though you know in your logical mind that you can afford it. To answer your question about whether these feelings are normal – yes, they are very common and often come up in therapy.
So how to we begin to address this? The key thing to acknowledge here is that your reality now is different to the financial situation you grew up in. Your parents attitudes to money were likely to be adaptive for their financial circumstances, and as many parents do, they did what they could with what they had. However, now you are in a different situation, and so those same rules are no longer adaptive. They no longer fit the situation, and so you need to develop a new set of rules that fit the situation that you’re in currently.
You seem to earn enough to spend beyond the essentials, and when this is the case, we need to begin to ask ourselves what it is that we truly value. There are many options for what we could spend our ‘disposable’ income on and marketers spend their days convincing us to do just that. For you, the answer is really clear: travel is something you really value and it absolutely brings you joy. So for you the new ‘rule’ could be something like “I really value travel and it brings me joy, and so it’s worthwhile”.
As a side note, I wonder if a conversation with your parents might be helpful here. You explained that they were clear about the financial rules growing up, but there hasn’t been any discussion of this more recently. I wonder about what they think now. Perhaps they recognise that you’ve worked hard and that times have changed, and maybe they think it’s a good thing that you travel, but maybe not. A lot of this depends on their level of psychological flexibility and recognition that you’re in a different position. If you think they might be supportive, you could start with a gentle conversation about “do you remember that caravan site we went to in…” and gauge their level of openness to reflection and conversation around this topic. Positive signs would be warmth, acknowledgement of special moments when you were a child, and perhaps a sense of “it wasn’t posh but it was what we could afford at the time and we loved it”.
Lastly, when you’re at the stage of booking and those difficult feelings come up, ensure you have a mantra that you can say to yourself. Something like “I can afford this, it’s important to me, and I’ve worked hard for it”. There are a million things that you could be spending your money on, and I’m so glad you’re choosing to spend it on the thing you love.
For more on this topic, check out How much should I spend on my holiday? A psychological guide
