“Dear Dr Charlotte
I’m writing because I’ve realised that every holiday my partner and I take — whether it’s a weekend away or a two‑week trip abroad — somehow ends up resting on my shoulders. I’m the one who researches destinations, compares flights, checks hotel reviews, books restaurants, figures out transport, remembers passports, packs the first‑aid kit, and keeps track of timings. My partner is lovely and appreciative, but he doesn’t really do any of it unless I specifically ask. And even then, I have to double‑check everything because I’m worried something will go wrong.
I don’t think he’s being malicious or lazy. I genuinely think he just assumes I’ll handle it because I always have. But the truth is, I’m exhausted. I have a demanding job, two kids, and a busy life. Holidays are supposed to be a break, but I often feel like I’m working harder than ever — just in a different setting.
What’s confusing is that I actually like planning. I’m good at it, and part of me enjoys creating something special for us. But I don’t like the feeling that if I stopped, nothing would happen. I don’t like that he gets to “just show up” while I’m mentally spinning ten plates. And I really don’t like the resentment that’s starting to creep in, because it’s not who I want to be.
I’ve tried dropping hints — saying I’m busy, or that I’d love him to choose a restaurant — but it never really lands. He’ll say, “Just tell me what you want me to do,” which somehow makes me feel even more responsible. I don’t want to be the project manager of our relationship. I want to feel like we’re a team.
How do I break this pattern without turning every holiday into a negotiation? And how do I ask for more support without feeling like I’m nagging?”
Dr Charlotte’s response: This is such a common challenge and it’s one that can exist even if the relationship is a good one, which it sounds like it is. There’s been a lot of attention drawn to the ‘cognitive labour‘ taken on by women in the last couple of years and this is really what your letter is about. On this occasion it is about travel specifically, but it fits with the broader idea that often women take on the role of planner and project manager for many things at home and that this work is often ‘invisible’. I wonder if you feel like this more generally, and if the cognitive labour related to travel is the something akin to a final straw for someone who is on a path towards burnout.
I’m going to start with what might feel like a slight tangent here, but it is important. The term cognitive labour was coined fairly recently by feminist theorists and become more widely used int the past 5 to 10years, and notably it has become popular on social media fairly recently. My impression is that has been beneficial in terms of giving women the confidence and language to have conversations about sharing the mental load, which is inherently hard to communicate because it’s so invisible. The research tells us that taking on the majority of the cognitive load is associated with low mood, stress, burnout and lower relationship quality. In line with this, your letter hints at exhaustion, overwhelm and not enjoying a task that you usually would, which suggests that you might be heading in the direction of burnout. You’ve also mentioned some resentment creeping in about the travel planning, again this could be an early warning sign that something needs to change.
So how can we begin to address this? Well, the best way to share any tasks as a couple is to be aware of the ‘workload’, including acknowledging the less visible labour, and to work together to share this. The right outcome will look different for every couple, because every couple is different and so, the most important next step is to have a conversation with your partner about how you are going to share the load when it comes to travel planning. This is unlikely to be resolved in one conversation, and it’s something you will likely need to come back to.
When it comes to the allocation of travel planning, there are a few possible solutions, which is good because several options enables choice and control. The first, is that your partner understands that you can no longer take on the majority of the travel planning as you have done previously, and is able to step up and take charge of this. With this there needs to be an explicit acknowledgement that this involves the full ‘project management’ and not just the execution of the booking. Whether this is a good option depends on his skills and his appetite for taking on the responsibility of it.
The second option is to free you up elsewhere so that you can manage the cognitive load of planning and organising. Is there something in day to day life that he can take charge of that can enable this? There are so many variables here and I don’t know enough about the situation to understand where the ‘give’ might be. Solutions I’ve seen in the past include a change in one partner’s work schedule that has freed them up just a little to help out with X, Y or Z or the children being mature enough to get the bus home from school one day a week. These small changes can free you up just a little to prevent a sense of burnout, which your concerns around the booking process is likely to be a symptom of. If this is the case, I’d suspect that this is likely to be the best course of action.
The third option is about taking on the task of booking and organising together, and trying to make this a positive experience. This might involve sitting down together at the same time, looking at flights, accommodation and reviews, and making these decisions collaboratively. Together you could list all of the tasks that need to be done in the lead up and allocate them, a bit like an actual project management meeting and with the two of you on an equal footing.
As you begin to share the mental load more evenly, you may find that the resentment softens and the joy returns. Planning family experiences is important work, and you deserve the mental space to approach it with energy rather than exhaustion. Small changes now can set the tone for many holidays to come.
