“Dear Dr Charlotte,
I’m struggling with something that’s starting to affect every trip I take. I’m completely burnt out, and yet even when I go on holiday I can’t seem to switch off. I arrive exhausted, desperate for rest, but the moment I get there I feel wired, restless, and unable to relax. I lie by the pool thinking about work, or I wake up early with my mind racing, or I spend the whole time feeling guilty that I’m not “making the most” of my time away.
I plan these trips so carefully — the right hotel, the right destination, the right activities — and then when I’m actually there, I feel nothing. No relief, no joy, no sense of escape. Just the same tightness in my chest I have at home. Sometimes I even feel worse, because I’ve spent money and annual leave and still come back feeling depleted.
I don’t talk about this with friends because it feels ridiculous to complain about not being able to relax on holiday. But I’m starting to dread going away, because I know I’ll put all this pressure on myself to feel better and then feel like I’ve failed when I don’t. I don’t know how to rest anymore, and I’m scared that if I stop moving, everything will fall apart.
Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I switch off, even when I’m supposed to be resting?”
Dr Charlotte’s response: This sounds really hard, but perhaps you will be surprised to know that these kinds of difficulties are more common than you think.
It sounds like your body and brain are in ‘threat mode’ right now. You are burned out, and aware that you need some rest and recovery, but your threat system is not being soothed by the things that you plan so carefully. To tackle this kind of problem, we first need to understand why this is happening, and this involves learning about the different emotional regulation systems we have, and how they work.
In Compassion Focused Therapy, our emotional life is often described through three systems: the drive system (which pushes us to achieve, pursue, and do), the threat system (which keeps us safe), and the soothing system (which helps us rest, settle, and feel grounded). Each system has it’s role and is valuable, but in order to regulate emotions effectively, we need to have a good balance between these three systems.
What struck me from your letter is how you appear to be using the drive system, or ‘doing mode’ as the way to regulate your emotions. Your thinking appears to be ‘If I plan the perfect trip, I’ll feel better’. This is certainly not an uncommon way of thinking, and it is an idea that is often sold to us by marketers. However, from a psychological perspective, it’s not true. Our ability to regulate our emotions is about how well we can activate our soothing system, and not the external setting. Being in a beautiful setting can enhance our ability to regulate, especially if we are connected to nature, but if we’ve never learned to tap into our soothing system, we might not benefit from even optimal conditions.
This is where the threat system comes in. When you’re unable to relax, the self criticism starts. You don’t say it explicitly, but the statement “it feels ridiculous to complain about not being able to relax on holiday” certainly indicates a level of self judgement and impatience. The internal critic might sound like “You’re ridiculous. You’ve paid all this money and you can’t even relax. What’s wrong with you?”. We can see how buying into these self critical thoughts would make you feel even worse, and so it’s a vicious cycle. The threat system takes over and you’ve got little chance of feeling restored on a trip where this is happening.
So how do we address this? The most important suggestion is therapy – a therapist trained in Compassion Focused Therapy can help you to understand how you have learned to over-rely on your drive and threat systems. While learning about the systems themselves is helpful (and I suspect that your drive system will kick in when it comes to researching), there is really no substitute for gaining this individualised understanding from a skilled therapist. This is especially important given the soothing system is activated by connecting with and feeling understood by another human.
Understanding how your difficulties have developed can help you to cultivate a more understanding and compassionate stance for yourself. This is essential to be able to relax. When you’re burned out, you really need kindness and understanding, and so, your task is really about how you develop this kindness and understanding for yourself. A powerful way to cultivate this is to imagine you were looking after a friend who was struggling – you would probably want to be tentative with your suggestions about what might help. You would take their lead, and not force them to do anything. This is what we all need when we are struggling, and not the perfectly planned trip.
This difficulty isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you; it’s a sign that your nervous system needs care rather than pressure. With compassion and guidance, it is entirely possible to rediscover what genuine rest feels like.
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