“Dear Dr Charlotte
I’m writing because I’ve realised that one of the biggest sources of stress for me when I travel with friends isn’t the destination or the planning, it’s the fear of disappointing everyone.
I love my friends, and they’re genuinely kind people. But when we go away together, I feel this pressure to be the easy‑going one, the one who’s always up for another walk, another beach, another late night. I worry that if I say I’m tired, or that I need a break, or that I’d prefer to do something different, I’ll be seen as complaining. So I push through, smile, and try to match their pace, even when my body is telling me otherwise.
A big part of this is that I have eczema, which flares badly in the heat. I try to stay out of the sun during peak hours, but when we’re on holiday, that feels like an inconvenience to everyone else. I don’t want to be the person who says, “Actually, can we find some shade?” or “Can we go inside for a bit?” because I’m terrified it will ruin the vibe. So I end up sitting in the sun longer than I should, pretending I’m fine, and then dealing with the consequences later, the itching, the soreness, the shame of feeling like my body can’t keep up.
What makes this even more confusing is that I have no problem sticking up for other people. If a friend needed a break, or shade, or a slower pace, I’d be the first to say, “Of course, let’s adjust.” I’d defend them without hesitation. But when it comes to advocating for myself, I freeze. I worry that my needs are too much, or that I’ll be seen differently if I voice them.
The strange thing is, no one has ever told me I’m a burden. If anything, my friends would probably be understanding. But inside, I feel this constant pressure to perform being “fun” and “easy,” and I come home from trips feeling exhausted and a bit disconnected from myself. Is it normal to feel this way, and how do I start unravelling this fear of letting people down?”
Dr Charlotte’s response: I’m going to start with one of your last questions about whether this fear of letting people down is normal. It is incredibly common, especially for women, and I hear it often in my clinic. It starts with the way we are socialised. As women we are taught from a young age to be accommodating, and helpful, and to put the needs of others first. Being socialised in this way often leads to people-pleasing, which is exactly as you’ve described: putting the needs of others first and not communicating your needs. This in some ways is a psychologically comfortable position, because you are embodying the internal standard to be ‘a good girl’ that you (and many of us) have learned. On the other, you are physically stretching yourself beyond what is comfortable and what you prefer, and this results in physical discomfort and frustration with yourself.
What’s positive here is that your friends are kind and understanding people. We’re not in a scenario where you’ve tried to communicate your needs and this has been dismissed or ignored, and so there isn’t a level of resentment, which can happen in these scenarios.
We think your friends will be accommodating and kind, and because you can effectively advocate for other people, we know you have the communication skills. So the question we’re left with is how can we help you to communicate what you need to? There are a few pieces of the puzzle with this:
Firstly, recognising where the discomfort around stating your needs comes from. Namely, our socialising as women. Once you can see this, you can realise that you are living by internal standards that you don’t actually believe or agree with. This makes them easier to break.
Secondly, reframe ‘complaining’ as ‘communicating your needs’. We need to think about this logically; your friends can’t read your mind and they don’t know you’re tired or that your eczema is getting inflamed. Letting them know this gives all of you the chance to understand each other and to find a solution that suits everyone. As an example, you could say something like “My skin is getting a bit inflamed with the sun, so I’m going to spend today shopping in the Old Town. Any of you are welcome to join me, but equally I understand if you want to stay by the pool”. This is solution focused and it’s very different to complaining. It shows that your needs matter but equally that you care about your friends preferences. And it’s feasible that one of your friends might fancy a bit of a browse and will come and join you. If they don’t, you have a little space to decompress and you can tell them all about when you re-join them later in the day.
The next thing to unpick is this idea that communicating your needs in ‘ruining the vibes’. Again I think there is some social conditioning here, and is reminds me slightly of misogynistic ideas around ‘party girls’: that there are women who are always ready for fun, never complain, and (seemingly) don’t have needs. When we think about it this way, we can see that this probably not standard you aspire to, and these ideas are created and perpetuated to control and subjugate women. It’s also definitely not who you need to be around your friends! Yes we do all have a responsibility when we are on a group trip to participate and make the holiday fun for everyone. However, let’s not take things to the extreme and aspire to a standard that we have to party every minute of a holiday that’s a full week (or more). It’s also important to remember that having a mix of ‘fun’ moments and downtime is more realistic, and means that in the fun moments you are all genuinely having fun and not pretending!
The disconnection you are feeling is about not communicating your needs. This is leaving you feeling not able to fully be yourself. I think you should give your friends the benefit of the doubt here. Being open with your friends builds and strengthens the relationship, and so you are helping and not hindering by sharing how you feel.
We’ve talked about reframing a lot already so let’s move on the doing. When it comes to communicating your needs and preferences, start small and build up from there. Also think about what feels most authentic for you. You might be more assertive at work, and if you are, think about your own style of communicating and compromising, and how you might apply this with your friends. If this isn’t the case, you might find it helpful think about ‘stock phrases’ you can use if you want to say no in a way that works for you. This might be as simple as “I’m not feeling up for that today, but I’ll look forward to hearing all about it later”. This communicates your needs but shows that you are supportive of whatever choices your friends make about what they want to do.
Ultimately, if you want to maintain ‘good vibes’ this is the key piece: Communicate your needs and be understanding and supportive with whatever choices your friends make. There’s a more-scientific term for this, we call it psychologically safety. This is when we feel able to communicate our needs in relationships and when other people are understanding of this. No awkward moments, no waking on eggshells, just everyone feeling free to be who they are, share how they’re feeling, and what they need. By beginning to share your own needs, and being understanding when your friends do the same, you’re creating a better environment for everyone. There’s no better vibes than that.
For more on these topics check out How do I get along with my friends on vacation? and How to please yourself on holiday: the antidote to people-pleasing