“Dear Dr Charlotte
I’m a married woman in my late thirties, and I’ve always loved travelling. It’s been part of who I am for as long as I can remember — the planning, the exploring, the feeling of being somewhere new. My husband is lovely and supportive, but he just doesn’t share the same appetite for travel. He’s happiest at home, in his routine, and he’s never pretended otherwise.
A few years ago, we agreed that I would sometimes take short solo trips. It felt like a natural compromise: I get to do something that lights me up, and he gets to stay in his comfort zone. He genuinely doesn’t mind — he even encourages me to go. But the reactions from other people have been surprising.
I’ve had comments like, “Your poor husband,” “I could never leave my partner like that,” and even, “I can’t believe your husband lets you do that.” The wording of that one really stuck with me — as if I’m a teenager asking permission rather than an adult making choices in a healthy marriage. Even when people don’t say anything outright, I can feel the raised eyebrows. It’s as if choosing to travel alone when you’re married is somehow a statement about the relationship, or a sign that something is missing. I know that’s not true for us, but the judgement has started to get under my skin.
The strange thing is, the criticism from others has awakened a voice in me that I didn’t expect — one that whispers that I’m being self‑indulgent, or that a “good wife” wouldn’t want something separate from her husband. I don’t actually believe that, but I can’t seem to shake the guilt. I find myself justifying the trips, downplaying them, or feeling like I need to “earn” them by being extra accommodating at home.
I don’t want to give up something that brings me so much joy, especially when my husband is genuinely fine with it. But I also don’t want to keep battling this internal and external judgement every time I book a flight. How do I hold onto this part of myself without feeling like I’m doing something wrong?”
Dr Charlotte’s response: It’s already clear from your letter that you know what is right for you and your husband. You don’t need to change anything about what you’re doing because you know that travelling is important to you, and it works for you both in the relationship. Your husband even encourages you to travel which tells me that he probably sees the benefits that you feel. He might notice you coming back from your trips seeming happier, rejuvenated and perhaps even more ‘yourself’. So from this perspective it’s not only ‘ok’ for you to travel, it’s actually beneficial for your marriage to do so.
So how can we cope with these judgements from others? There’s a spectrum here; on one end we could get irritated and angry by the judgements that people make. I can see how some of the comments, especially the one about your husband ‘letting you’ travel might push that button. On the other end of the spectrum, you could start to buy in to the judgements and begin to question yourself. You’ve described downplaying your trips and feeling like you need to ‘earn’ them. This is evidence that you are starting to buy in to these unhelpful ideas. This is a shame because this advice is not only terribly outdated, it’s also not right for you and your situation.
The adaptive middle ground between irritation at the judgements and taking on them on board is this; realising that other people think in this way for many reasons. Firstly, we all absorb messages from societal norms and messages and some of us are better at questioning and adapting them than others. Internalised rules like “women should not travel alone when married” and “women should cook and clean” are like historical artefacts and yet they continue to live in the minds of some people! Sometimes this is generational and I wonder if some of these comments have been from older people. Sometimes younger people will continue to adopt these when they are more rigid in their thinking and lack the psychological flexibility to update them. It’s like they are unable to compute the nuance that what is right for one couple will be different for another. For some, having very black and white rules about how the world is a more psychologically comfortable position and as it makes the world feel more predictable. It does, however, come with many downsides. First and foremost, the lack of ability to tolerate difference and diversity in all forms, which is obviously problematic.
Another suggestion is a book that I think might be helpful for you: The “let them” theory is essentially about releasing yourself from the impossible task of managing other people’s reactions. It’s the idea that when someone disapproves, misunderstands, or projects their own beliefs onto your choices, you don’t have to correct them, convince them, or carry their discomfort.
This book can help you to let these judgements go, but you might also find it helpful to have a couple of stock phrases up your sleeve for when you are faced with these kinds of comments in the future. Something like “I really love to travel and my husband’s fine with it” is important to say, not because you need to justify yourself in any way, but because this is the truth of the situation. The phrase “yeah every relationship is different” is also worth it’s weight in gold here. I’d especially use it when it comes to comments like “Your poor husband” and “I could never leave my partner like that”, which frankly could be said about a pet rather than a grown man (I can feel myself slipping into irritation here!).
To sum it up, you can let people have their opinions without taking them on as instructions. Their discomfort and lack of flexibility doesn’t have to become your guilt. Let them think what they think and let yourself live the life you and your husband have agreed works for you.
In the end, the only people who need to understand your choices are the two of you — and it sounds like you already do.